Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
well the first picture of me in 2011 involves a viking helmet and chugging champagne. i like this year already.
he was cumming and all I could think about was the pathway of sperm the in penis. thanks a lot nursing
took some adderal to make my alochol withdrawl less shitty. now im just concentrating on how badly i need a drink
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
Okay so how much boob would you consider inappropriate for smart casual?
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
Soooo you're telling me you support us groom's men giving lap dances to willing patrons?
Randomize
