well we are all hammered and my parents are reminiscing about all the times they drove us home drunk from Christmas
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
i threw up on the table at the pizza place and peed in her room mates closet. i wouldnt invite me back either
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
Somewhere during foreplay he said something about me only being with two other guys... I just went with it cause we have never had that conversation...
you're like that jamaican tarat card reading chick... only with herpes
The only thought that went through my head was "that would be an absolute disaster" so of course I said yes
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
Did you pee in the oven last night??
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
you were screaming "I don't need a shirt!" repeatedly while in the process of taking it off and flashing the bouncer. we got kicked out. thanks a lot.
Randomize
