I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
He held back my hair as I puked, then kindly asked me to slightly move my head over and pissed right next to my face.
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am
I'm in the upstairs bathroom. I went to the bathroom after class and realized this is not a shit I want to have publicly. I ran home. We can go to lunch, just give me a min
you started putting peanut butter on your pubes.
Randomize
