I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
Tonight's Real World episode reinforced the well-known fact that men of any caliber can hook up with girls named "Crystal"
I wish guys would just cum water 'cause you don't have to worry about being pregnant and it'd be like a squirt gun fight
this bucketlist has just become an excuse for me to be slutty, and i'm not even ashamed
I can neither confirm or deny any bear related allegations right at this time.
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
This place is a maelstrom of dicks.
I mean as in stuck up bastards, not actual, desirable male genitalia. My point is, come pick me up fast, please!
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
Chaz got drunk and passed out so we superglued a kazoo to his mouth. Listening to him Panic when he woke up was fucking hilarious.
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
Randomize
