he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
using the left over highlighters from the blacklight party to study for finals. feeling the need to write insert penis here on my econ notes.
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
well as your friend its only fair to offer my cock for your services. Cause I care.
We had sex under a tree in his boss's backyard, then I hooked up with his best friend. I don't even care how I got home.
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
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