There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
Is it weird if i grunt like Tim Taylor when im having sex AND grilling steaks??
Found a bar with a washer and dryer and they serve food. I never have to leave
I'll just get wasted and start throwing myself at men. Someone's bound to take the bait
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
i shit in a pringles can and hid it somewhere in your house....happy hunting
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
Thanks for being my pregnancy scare Sherpa...
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
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