i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
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