I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
Take xtc, wait 20 minutes and then take a shower. Trust me.
Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
I totally need to blow more fat guys. His cum tasted like vanilla ice cream
we were bear claw grabbing his crotch in the middle of the bar yelling prominent ridge over and over.
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
I would professionally fuck the shit out of her
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
ah lol cocaine is strange when I dose I feel like an elephant running through a grocery store
Randomize
