and next time when you feel me up, do it right
Quoting wale wont save you from herpes
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
Its a holy bong. We had to bless the holy bong water.
it will be just like last year but no clogged toilets and more costumes.
I mean, he drove your car and it burst into flames, if anyone cant be trusted, it's him.
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
he called her and asked for me. he wants to do dinner and a movie
her booty call wants to take you to dinner?
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
