He said he used to draw on the walls with poop when he was a kid.
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
So it's national ass day?! I love October. No bra last Saturday and now ass day. This is my month. God is dedicating this October to me!
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
I WOULD NEVER LIE ABOUT SOMETHING AS SERIOUS AS SABADO GIGANTE BEING CANCELED
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Randomize
