I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
He went down on me and then slapped my ass saying "thanks for the confidence boost"... is this all I'm good for?
P.S, i don't recommend doing keg stands on top of vehicles.
We waved. But it was a "let's hook up" wave.
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
Fun fact. I just wrapped myself in wrapping paper for a sext. Is this a new high or a new low stay tuned.
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
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