I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
you kept screaming i cant feel my vagina, it kinda killed the mood.
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
I believe in weed hangovers. To say the least.
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
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