my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
I just keep sniffing it hoping for an explanation.
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
Last I remember we played rock paper scissors for who would fuck the guy with cowboy boots on and I won..
I can already see the regret in her eyes. Amazing night. This city rules.
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
I think you are severely overestimating being able to get your lingerie back by posting the lyrics of Irreplaceable
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
I'm not gonna plow a chick in front of her 14 year old brother....
it was like 6 shots in and he was automatically my type
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