I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
just reminessing about the wedding and were they seriously to tight to serve a meal oorrrrrr was it just another one of my black-out-by-dinner drunks
the fact that you actualy have a 'black-out-by-dinner drunk' is a bit deserving..
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
i think she just faxed a picture of her vag from the office copy machine... i mean what kind of sexting is that... wait is that even legal???
We had sex twice and at Wendy's how dare you diminish that.
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
I'm not allowed back because I may or may not have insulted his beer. And the entire Czech Republic.
he keeps various drugs in his kitchen cupboard like groceries. that is my new life goal as an adult.
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
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