I've decided through careful research we can out drink any country folk.
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
as of this morning I have officially vommed on the highways of 6 different countries. It's a proud moment.
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
I was jumping over your garbage can screaming "Im a snow cat!!" ..Who wouldn't want to see that?
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
Randomize