Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
He was actually able to throw up in the bucket from the top bunk. im impressed.
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
I could get a dump truck for 1000. Think of the possibilities.
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
Well i think matt shit his pants so ill mark that as a W
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
we had sex in his office so i figured it was appropriate to like his company's page on facebook
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
Randomize
