Hey when you come over to pick me up in the mornin bring a camera. This is going to be legendary. Don't knock.... They might cover up
dude, she masturbates with a ken doll.
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
Thanks to this cookie, I have now eaten something other than skittles today.
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
Its a shame I cant put 'bomb ass head game' on my resume.
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
you know my pussy doesn't know between good and evil
Randomize
