I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
Um yeah. I just puked. And found your contact.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
You are under a naked attack watch for the whole weekend. Shelter in place.
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
No, it's like a legit blood drive. It's not just her out in some parking lot with needles and ziplock bags
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
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