i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
There is a distinct lack of front teeth here.
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
Oh god the guy I took underwear from at the bar is trying to add me as a friend on facebook now.
You ninja crawled over five sleeping guys to get in my room at 6 in the morning to wake me up for sex
...and I think that may just be my favorite moment in our fuckbuddyship
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
I'm disappointed in the internet. It's two days and there's still no fanfiction based off that Manning/Beckham commercial.
You don't even like football
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
Randomize
