whats the weirdest thing you ever masturbated to?
King Triton
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
We FINALLY fucked. I swear that's the longest I've ever held out for
Umm you met him three days ago....
I said what I said
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
I thought it was a myth but I have just reached the age of sitting on my balls. Not a fan.
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
So being hungover in an office full of people with hangovers for 9 hours is quite possibly what hell will be like.
Randomize
