Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
Does your throat ever get sore from being choked too hard or do u think I'm just getting sick??
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
It was pretty bad. Like cum-on-my-face-while-singing-Let-It-Snow bad.
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
It's ok, I like adventure. Just ask my vagina.
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
THIS IS NO TIME FOR SHAME JOSH. JUST GOTTA GET IT IN. PURELY FOR LEVELING UP PURPOSES
Can you repeat that, but with context?
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
I think I need practice at oral sex
I own a practice facility.
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