6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
your cum blends into my yellow sheets :/
Just saw some guy puking out of the dorm window, its for sure monday
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
He doesn't have much of a personality but he makes up for it with his sexual prowess
keeper.
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
Randomize