god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
Having him eat chocolate out of you is not as romantic as it sounds. I'm still finding pieces.
I have to have sex with him again. I feel like I need to train him so no other girl experiences that bad of sex.
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
Its like my group of friends and I are all dating and we're all just a bunch of Swingers, is that normal?
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
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