If I were a hot girl. I'd whore around, I'd be awesome.
she said it was okay because they were "professional" nude pictures of her on the internet
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
"Yeah because the first thing I think of when I hear the word college is tear gas."
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
Randomize
