I need to go to a fraternity... my boobs are telling me to.
You know, as long as there were ice cream breaks, I would totally eat chips for a living.
was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
At one point during the moaning he reminded me of Forrest Gump
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
I felt so bad for you. Drunk Rachael wanted nothing more than to crawl into the cop car and give you a hug. Luckily Mollied/Barred out Rachael convinced Drunk Rachael this was a terrible idea. So I ran. I have your keys btw
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
Randomize
