just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
i really wish i had a remote for my computer. its all the way on my bed while im across the hall puking my brains out to enya. not cool.
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
Please don't give away my fajitas
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
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