thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
Sometimes I worry for your future but then I remember how big your boobs are.
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
He painted a swimsuit on me. Naked day at the lake was a success.
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
Did you pee in the oven last night??
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
Randomize