Don't make out with my wife yet
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
WHITE RUSSIAN WEDNESDAY. TELL YOUR CO WORKERS. INVITE QND PREPARE
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Randomize
