Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
She's the rare girl who loses weight and gets uglier.
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
Just saw a guy from Kansas and a guy from Nebraska arguing over who had less of an accent. God Bless the Midwest.
What is the pluralization of human? I just got humen rejected, and I am going completely blank...
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
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