I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
BTW, does Anne know that we used the lipstick she is currently wearing to was used to write the word "ASS" on my ass cheeks last night?
I just gargled with NyQuil
i'm drinking soco out of a mickey mouse cup right now. i love it when college and my childhood meet in the middle.
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