Hey I found your number in my phone i dont remember how we met this is richard btw
strange i dont have your number must have been a drunk thing
could be more
absolutely not
I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
still wasted. at home depot . just threw up in one of the demo showers. not okay.
Using a Nedi Pot after doing lines... at least I'm a health conscious drug user?
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
Randomize
