you think thats bad? Today I had to pop a zit on my sack.
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
we hate each other therefore the sex is mindblowing
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
Done deal I'm dying it right at this moment. I'll need a red Speedo and a half shirt that is extremely tight. Like nipple tight.
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
I'm the kind of girl who misses her mouth when trying to eat, do you honestly think I'm coordinated enough to wear heels during sex?
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
if i hadn't ended our catfight by hugging you one of us might be dead right now
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
Randomize
