About me waking up with a tatto of a hamster with a top hat ?
hey.....beach week happens
it was literally the size of a crayloa marker. i didnt know what to do with it so i just sat there
And to think..we used to do everything sober...
I don't want to have to force feed him my vagina!!
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
Randomize
