also i tucked his toothbrush in my shirt. why? i dont know.
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
3 st and 6 ave. One dollar pitchers. Look out world.
How do you get a cum stain out of a trampoline?
i'm not going because i feel like it's just gunna be a "this is your life" who i banged this years addition
Dude has a bag of wine attached to his belt. These guys don't fuck around.
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
Maybe? I'm not shaving my pubes for a maybe type of night.
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
