Just had a flash back. Pretty sure i ate toilet paper last night.
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
I licked your asshole in confidence.
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
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