I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
Is it weird that I found myself thinking of that blue chick from Avatar while she gave me head after the movie?
Fucking Canada. At least when they wake up tomorrow they're still in Canada
One blow job doesn not make me gay.
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
it's not rock bottom until you fall down an escalator on the way home from a hookup and have to have you dad come pick your drunkass up at 3am. Adulthood.
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
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