oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
i hope when i become a housewife i'm more of a gretchen and less of a vicky
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
We left his house because I forgot how to drink water, I was just holding it in my mouth and then spitting it out, needless to say I don't remember the sex.
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
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