my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
And then we made magical love in his room under a blacklight as his roommate and girlfriend argued violently in the living room
Update - might be back in your neighbor's good graces. She liked the framed photo I gave her of me on the tractor with my business out.
My Dicks been hard all day. Poor guy isn't used to vacation being over
Opened my notebook to coke all over the pages. So, if that's any indication on how this weekend went.
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
Yiu ever laugh so hard you stop breathing? Turns out weed -can- kill you.
Randomize
