I feel like ignoring a facebook event is a lot like a pocket-veto. The only difference is instead of opposing legislation, I don't want to go to your sketchy party.
Three 40's of Mickeys, is no excuse to be naked at Baskin Robins.
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
Exactly. wat kind of friend would i be if i even pretended to give a shit about ur problems
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
Just slept with my boyfriend's roomie to learn if bf was cheating on me
Good plan. When in doubt, sleep about.
Someone shattered a urinal.
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
I feel like having peed on eachother is a point in our lives we should never have gotten to...
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
all im saying is 27 is too old to still be drinking 40s, you make more money than me, buy some decent shit
screw you you golddigging beer snob
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
