I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
He's a fan of Alicia Keys on Facebook. It doesn't NEED to say 'interested in men'.
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
Lets just make a point system, like if we have sex add a point, if they leave after take away a point, if they stay all fucking day take away a point
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
Honestly who turns down a free blowjob?
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
Randomize
