She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
Woke up backwards on a recliner
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
Idk I think he's weird but he's also from Wisconsin so that might have something to do with it.
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
Randomize
