and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
i've decided that sluts are like cars. they may look good as hell on the outside, but you never know what kind of shit is hiding under the hood.
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
If I'm going to go gay, i'm not going to go for a tiny dick.
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
We were fucking and his phone rang and it was his grandma. He just had a conversation with his grandma while fucking me from behind. Then his dad called and asked him what he wanted from taco bell.
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
Cocaine and dance dance revolution for 4 hours. I consider last night a success.
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
Randomize
