I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
I just realized I'm the burger in your burger and steak anology. Very disconcerting.
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
And I wasn't prepared because its been a very long and lonely season and I wasn't expecting to find dick at Press Box trivia night....
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
Omfg 7 hour sex session who am I?
PS: I think I'm in love
Ability to walk tomorrow tbd
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
Randomize
