Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
Please don't use social media to get back at me.
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
ok morning sex is a totally valid reason to come in late... ur good, cya in 20
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
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