So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
Hurry up I might actually study if I am left alone
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
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