If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
So I went out tonight...met a guy who slightly resembled my dad,huge creeper, he asked me to "hang out" so I gave him my moms number since he was more her type:)
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
I think she was eating a cup of ramen noodles while we banged, or had a seizure
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
Randomize
