Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
That girl would be way hotter if she changed her face.
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
I should rephrase... I'm trying to not sit on other peoples faces besides my boyfriends.
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
He was stoned and starts screaming, "I ain't got but a dollar, I wanna hear waterfalls!". Maybe he can hang with us....
I impressed him by taking off my panties without removing my pants.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
I need to stop waking up with no pants on.
what happened this time
I dont know everyone was gone and there was a bird in the room
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
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