hey no worries the mystery has been solved- i jst sneezed and my undies popped outta my nose.
i always forget guys have bellybuttons
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
No I am not eating basil off your cock
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
Her face just looks like a massive mistake. That's the only legitimate description I can say about it
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
I'm sitting here with a band aid on my labia, this is a first
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
Randomize