im marching my happy ass in there and im not leaving until he cheats on his girlfriend!
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
All I remember is mattress sliding down the stairs while giving him a blow-job. Sorry you had to witness the incident.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
We took it as we must go to waffle house or else we will upset the gods.
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
Made it just outside my dorm and yack on the front dirt. Wave to a dad thats staring, continue on my way.
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
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