Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
his blanket is still in the back seat of my car, its like a constant reminder of his small penis
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
So i know i shouldnt being spending random large amnts of money...but i just bought a sword.
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
Well I may have gotten laid but I over drafted buying pizza so I think that negates everything
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
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