there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
Of course I understand. Thou shalt never turn down a free meal or drink. It's one of the commandments of being a girl.
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
in the future we should consider sippy cups so we can drink and passout accordingly
Randomize
