I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
Randomize
