So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
i wish i could post a picture of his odd shaped penis on facebook and label it "wtf???"
just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
Recliner chair sex has moments of worry....just don't.
Randomize
