i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
she took her bra off and it was like the puppet strings had been dropped. her tits totally deflated.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
just walked past the recycling bin in class, there's keystone cans in it. go cougs.
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
Randomize
