You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
Just turned elections for the sorority into a drinking game. Right on.
Party at my house. Liquor pinata. Your presence is required.
and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
Idk tell her to wear something sluttty. I have that one skirt I got arrested in if she wants to borrow?
I think it's starting to become crucial that I find a companion for my vagina.
That kid i sell weed to just had his mom give him a ride over here she waited in the car while he bought a bag
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
Lmao. K I'll be 100% honest. I was over at your place like 12 hours ago with your roommate. If I hadn't of been there then I'd take you up on your booty call offer. So. If you're not creeped out another time please?
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
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